"Enough"

I've been quiet lately, because I've been reading. I find that I only have time to do one pursuit in the midst of mothering an infant and managing a household (and truth be told, sleep is far to high on my priority list given all the things I want to do).

I've also been away in Melbourne for the weekend, arriving back yesterday and I have to catch up. Not only with all the news and happenings but cleaning up after my partner who stayed home and only added to the list of things I had to do today. He doesn't care what the house looks like, but I do yet that doesn't factor into his thinking, the bastard!

But I digress.

I think I've mentioned before to some effect about feeling very much behind the eight-ball in life: I consider myself to be a very intelligent and capable person and yet have never reached what I consider to be my potential, and I'm trying to navigate my way through to accomplish many things that I have wanted to do but have either allowed myself to be talked out of it or put other people ahead of my own desires. I have managed to complicate this further by having a baby.

I am not sure where this sense of inadequacy came from. I have reached the point where my own self doubt has crushed many an inspiration, I have become the ideas person who never follows through. I worry if I try something, ultimately I'm going to fail at it and this fear essentially prohibits any progress.

I am a believer that unless you are constantly self improving, you are dying.

When I was at university I worked at a small cafe with a bunch of great girls and a boss who was both a tyrant and a mentor. She once told us not to consider that we were not "enough", because we are.

Smart enough.
Thin enough.
Healthy enough.
Strong enough.
Vigilant enough.
Capable enough.
Loving enough.

My partner thinks I am enough. My child thinks I am enough (for now!), so do my parents. But here I am, deep down feeling that I am not, and the thought of spending my whole life trying to be "enough" is going to consume me.

But how to you know if your potential is being met? When does striving become achieving?

Everybody judges themselves to different standards. I am yet to meet someone who has low standards to the point where they are happy just being themselves, foibles and all. Some of us learn to live with it and make the most of their life, their opportunities and accept their lot.

What I do know is that the only way that I see to really succeed is to remove the safety net underneath and walk the proverbial tightrope. That includes my parents who always have the helpful intention of giving me money to 'help us out'. To paraphrase Dr Phil (and yes, I can't believe I am paraphrasing Dr. Phil either), money that hasn't been earned has no value. You don't appreciate it. Like my mother fattening up her dogs because they look at her with sad eyes, my parents are killing me with kindness.

But they're not to blame. By accepting help that is not needed I am essentially being lazy. I am a grown up with a family of my own and it is my responsibility to provide for it (and of course my partner's).

So, pep talk complete, I know what needs to be done. Rather than being "enough" and pleasing everybody, I am going to.... go pick up my son because he's pouting at me. Ah. What was I lamenting about?