A friend who had a baby 3 weeks ago posted on Facebook that she was thrilled to have finally finsished watching the one hour program she'd been watching in increments for the past three days. It's like that. Most people, including those with older children, seem to have no idea or forget how absorbing it is to care for an infant, the indescribable feeling of being adrift from the world, and the dread attached to just going out for coffee. At the moment I am really only seeing other mums with newborns for this reason. Yes I feel guilty for basically ignoring everyone else...
Ah, guilt. It is the biggest factor retarding my personal growth at the moment. I have a lot on the go right now. I am planning a (albeit tiny, backyard) wedding, anticipating a visit from my partner's parents who are visiting for the first time from France (this is a big deal, my partner has been here for 10 years), and organising to go to night school next year with deadline of new year's day to move house. I'm not talking about to the next town. We're going interstate. We're moving from a compact but spacious ski shack to a crammed shoebox in the city - all for my professional progress. I'm not sure I can handle the pressure, but I have to try.
Can I do it? Can I juggle night school, part time work, daycare, parenting, relationship? I have no idea how hard it will be. Right now, here in the countryside my life is so easy. I would have to go to work, but only part time. We have tiny debt. We worry about money but have no trouble paying bills. I am going to turn all that on its head for my own selfish cause. Will I be overcome with guilt for putting my son into daycare, robbing him (at least temporarily) of an idyllic country lifestyle?
I don't want to end up a broken person, settling for less that what I know my potential is. I am going to put this quote into bold print so I don't ignore it:
"To live is the rarest thing in the world.
Most people exist, that is all"
Oscar Wilde.
It's true, most people take the easy road. Things may not go to plan. If I don't put myself first, I can't take care of anyone else. And this doesn't mean I don't love my family any less. The struggle we may have in the near future won't be nearly as bad as the struggle of my own disappointment for never having tried. Hold your breath and jump...
(I love this picture of Wilde. People aren't eccentric enough anymore. I reckon one should have a statement piece of clothing that makes them instantly recognisable, a la Matt Preston).
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